Monday, 5 November 2012

Daily Exercise

One of the most useful things about having a baby is being able to do away with dumbbells. The little guy started off at just under 3kg (6lb 6oz). He is growing steadily and as I use him as a dumbbell my arms are keeping up with his growth.

Readers are probably divided into two camps and I’ll have to deal with you separately. For argument’s sake we could call these two groups “boys and girls”, although these distinctions are blurred by the lovely champion from Khazakhstan (pictured), together with the current trend for metro-sexual males whose lack of upper body strength and desire for emotional-oneness would make Gandhi weep oxymoronic tears of masculine shame.

The first group are thinking “tell me more, I’ve had to cancel my gym membership because nappies are so expensive.” For those of you who are thinking of using the baby for weight-lifting there are some essential safety guidelines:

DO NOT DROP THE CHILD
- Make sure the child is firmly held in your man-paw at all times.
DO NOT PRETEND TO DROP THE CHILD
- Whilst you may think that it’s funny to give them a little fright, this will lead to a lack of calmness and trust, and then when the child struggles, you will drop the child!
DRESS THE CHILD IN SUPERHERO THEMED CLOTHING
- This way their little brain will tell them that they’re battling King Kong or flying, rather than being used as a cheap substitute for exercise equipment.
COUNT AND TALK TO THE CHILD
- This will stop them becoming disorientated and showering you with baby-vomit.
DO NOT LIFT BY THE HEAD... or anything else that might come off
- This is a mistake you’d only make once! I've found a good technique is to lift the baby with the heel of my hand just below his ribs and my digits splayed across his ribcage. He is supported and will find falling off difficult (unless you have tiny hands or a huge baby).
STOP IF THE BABY SHOWS SIGNS OF DISTRESS
- This could also lead to struggling, or worse, a nappy fill so violent that it is forced out between the poppers in the baby grow.

The other group are thinking (in a high pitched, rising tone) “you can’t do that to my baby!”. For those of you in the shrill camp, realistically, what are you going to do about it? Thanks to the aforementioned baby-lifting we’re much stronger than you, and when we hold the child up that high, you can’t reach! On a more serious note (just in case the response to “what are you going to do about it?” was “file for divorce!”), the partner who is exercising with the child is involving the little person in their life, modelling a positive healthy lifestyle and (by virtue of not dropping the baby) building up trust and confidence between parent and child – which is exactly what you’ve been asking us to do in other nagging sessions conversational interludes recently.

DAD